They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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