I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
i think my cat just said my name.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
