totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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