Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
