I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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