can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Never joke about your clitoris.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
