when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
