I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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