youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
