i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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