And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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