If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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