Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
