ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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