I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
