I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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