I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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