ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
