Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
