It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
