he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
