In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
