so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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