dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
