I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
