last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
