I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
