dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
