can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
