i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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