I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
