I'm going to jail i love you
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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