I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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