Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
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