I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
