He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
she told me i tasted like america
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
