He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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