your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
