if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
