there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
