my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
