I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize
