Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
