Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
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