there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Randomize
