Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
