My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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