I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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