Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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