Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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