tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
